This is a cross-post from my FA journal.
I'm writing this with what little energy I have today.
Rarely do I feel comfortable making my problems public, but I feel as if people, especially those waiting on refunds, should know. I am not trying to make excuses for myself-- I will continue to refund people as I'm able.
As things are right now in my life, well, they're not good.
Near the end of September, I went in to have a procedure done. For the month or so before that procedure, I had been having gagging fits. I would gag and gag until I either puked or coughed up acid. It was daily, it was affecting my living condition, so, I went to the doctor and they scheduled aforementioned procedure.
They found nothing.
Biopsies, nothing, the camera, nothing. But after that, for some reason, things got worse. In addition to the gagging fits, I now adopted constant burping, and the most troublesome addition yet-- the inability to keep down food.
Anything I consumed, even drinks, I would vomit back up. Literally everything. I went a week or two like this-- not eating, or trying to eat and puking it up. After my condition worsened, (strength fading, weight loss, you know, things that would happen when you're unable to eat for a week), I admitted myself to to ER, to see if perhaps they could find anything.
Once again, they found nothing.
I was sent home after several hours on an IV, to at least provide me with some of the nutrients I couldn't get. I was given tests, medications (which I promptly vomited up once I got home), and returned to this "life" of not being able to eat. They recommended I see a new GI doctor.
But it's been a week, almost two, since I was in the ER. Still can't eat or keep down food. I'm lucky if I can keep down water. As one might imagine, you can't... live, without being able to eat. I'm not doing well. I have no strength, I do nothing but sleep (or puke), I can no longer climb stairs, I can barely walk, and because of my already weak chest muscles, I can barely breathe. My time is spent in bed, and as this drags on, I lose my strength to even be able to sit at my computer.
Since this has started, I've nearly lost 5lbs a week. I can feel my body eating itself. And not only has this unknown condition affected my physical state, but my mental health as well. I was already a pretty... heavily mentally ill person to begin with. With this, I'm pretty much on my last legs. I'm beyond depressed, I have to wonder why I even bother waking up. I'm not going to go into explicit detail, but I'm... not doing well. I don't have the spoons to speak to people, I don't have the spoons to do anything, not even play games, let alone draw or anything else. I'm falling fast, and I don't know what to do. I feel hopeless.
I went to the doctor again today. We've gotten another GI specialist to hopefully help find out what's wrong with me (the hospital I was at is god awful). Because I can't continue on like this. I don't know how much longer I can last not being able to eat. If I suddenly disappear, I'm sorry. I've probably ended back up in the hospital.
I suppose that's the gist of it all. Please forgive me for not being talkative, I don't know if I'll have anymore energy to respond or speak today. I had blood taken earlier, and without food, that's drained me further.
I promise I'll get back on what I owe when things start to look up at all. I don't know when, but I promise. Right now I need a lot of money for my medical bills through all of this.
I'm sorry, for everything.